Not a standard trip
Quest 1 in Korbielów was supposed to be a standard men’s trip for me, or so I was reassured by a close friend of mine. I expected some mountain climbing, some prayer and the like. A typically male decision – do you want to go? Without thinking, I clicked the link, made the payment and waited six months. I didn’t follow any information on the organisers’ websites or forums. I just didn’t want to have any attitude. Before I left, my daughter asked if I was going to a retreat. I denied it because I thought it was a typical men’s trip! ‘What retreat, my child!’, I said.
Now, looking back, I can see that God led me over quite a mountain, both literally and figuratively. I fought a fierce battle – this time with myself, a 47-year-old man laden with the baggage of life’s experiences. Somewhere deep in my heart, I knew that I had to go through the darkness, to get out of not so much my comfort zone, but the depression I had been stuck in for years. You’re probably curious to know what had me down? The answer is simple: the sudden death of my mother, and then the equally quick death of my father, who passed away within three months. I found myself going from a son who used to walk with his father together, to a son who had to help his father with even the most private activities. I cried in the corner and my father rejected even the thought of a priest. In addition, I suffered the loss of two other people close to me. The thought of death paralysed me to the extent that I actually could get stuck in my thoughts. I am a man of faith, but what I went through was beyond my comprehension of faith. On top of that, there were many other stories that would probably take up as much space here as 66 volumes of St Thomas’ Summa theologica. I felt that I was simply falling apart, it was a state that couldn’t be rectified, I was unable to say I needed help, after all, I was strong and I could manage, I would work something out.
Has there been a change? Oh, yes! I felt it on the very first day, right after Holy Mass, with the meaningful reading of the day about Philip (Acts 8:36.38), and then during the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament.
I found the usual sitting at the exposition tiring, but this time it was like a mystical encounter with Jesus, an experience I didn’t even manage to share with the other participants of the trip. It was a real meeting with a friend.
My problem was my lack of empathy when talking to others. Usually I would have prepared a response before someone finished speaking. But this time, for the first time, I had an open mind and heart to listen, to empathise with the problems of others. Each testimony of the participants exposed my imperfection, my mistakes. God let me have the experience in that brief moment of adoration in front of the Blessed Sacrament, which completely changed the way I looked at the Quest in Korbielów.
I was able to share with other men my suffering from feeling that my masculinity had been buried by being preoccupied with raising children, looking after the house and swapping responsibilities with my wife. I know I tried to convince myself that everything was fine, but there was suffering behind my mask. The mask was like a steel mask on my face, exposed to the sun. The longer I kept saying that I was okay with this change, the more the burn hurt. Now that mask had been pulled off and I felt immense relief. Jesus gave me the courage to tell my private story of our marriage, and I was helped by understanding the plot of the film about St Joseph, because I have a lot in common with him and I am able to feel at least a little what he felt when he received the pregnant Mary. Korbielów – it was a real battle, moments of no-holds-barred driving, it was bloody, there were tears! Did it hurt? Yes, but the battle was won and the pain turned into joy. I travelled with one friend and came back richer in 13 more friends. I gave all my wounds to Jesus because He strengthens me, even when I fall He lifts me up. I put all my hope in the Lord, He bent over me and listened to my cry. He brought me out of the pit of destruction and out of the miry clay of sin and set my feet on the rock and strengthened my steps to be a good father, husband and friend.
We returned home motivated to do better, we set ourselves goals to achieve. I thought I would wait a few days to digest all that had happened there but when I got home, pulled off my white Quest t-shirt, ‘my new white armour’, and put it on the back of the chair, my cat immediately puked on it, and he had never done that before. Was it a coincidence? I don’t want to be a prophet here, but without waiting 72 hours, I contacted three friends of mine to talk and convince them to join the ‘light side of the Force’. It may sound strange, but even the cat made me realise that sometimes the world tries to muddy us and you have to act, you can’t wait…
Tomasz
